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its harder than you can imagine

I am having a really hard time with the separation. Me and my husband were always texting, calling, or just together. I haven't heard so much as a peep out of him in 2 days now. I know he is in Afghanistan and busy. At least one would hope he is busy. Otherwise the fact that he has been taken away from me would be too much to bear. But as I was saying, I know he is busy and still is getting settled. I know he would call if at all possible. But its hard. We have never had this much distance and no talking. I'm struggling bad! I feel like I'm drowning in aching loneliness. I love him and I know he is needed there but he is my best friend and I need him too. I don't sleep so I won't miss contact, but now I'm just under slept and cranky and emotional and haven't heard from him..

Just needed to vent. I miss him.

Contact from my Hubby

He was able to call me last night for 15 minutes...It was good to hear his voice although the connection was horrible and it didnt really even sound like him...but having him tell me how much he loves me and misses me was exactly what I wanted to hear...It sounds stupid, but I am walking around in a haze missing him like there is no tomorrow, my heart honestly aches..and hearing him say he misses me too puts me at peace.  Of course he misses me, thats what makes my excitement so silly.

This morning he was able to get online to a messenger.  I got on and talked to him for an hour!  its late there so he had to get to bed.  The internet connection had a HUGE lag so he wasnt getting my messages right away and the conversation was a little confusing.  By the end he said he had to get off cause he couldnt stay on all night...I am not sure if he was being short with me, but thats how it seemed.  I was warned that communication would be abrupt in a manner of speaking.  They have things to do over there and his tension is high.  I was told that it may seem like he is being cold but he really isnt.  Time isnt unlimited there....  I just have to keep reminding myself of that I guess, so that I dont get upset if I get that feeling after we talk online.

I have already written him 4 letters in the past 3 days!  I cant send them out until mid next week so that they get there when he gets there, so he is going to have a HUGE stack of letters by the time I am able to send them!  Like 7-10 all at once!

I like writing him atleast once a day.  I dont really talk about much.  Little menial things like movies I watched and what I did during the day.  How much I miss him, things like that.  I know that even if the letters are just like that he will love them.  I hope he is able to write a letter and drop it in the mail soon.  I cant send mine, but he can send his...

I am going to start crocheting.  I wanted to knit but the concept escapes me.  Crocheting looks just fine and I can make a big old blanket for the bed or for cuddling up on the couch.  It will also keep me occupied ya know?!  While Im sitting in bed or on the couch I can just pick it up and work on it as I watch a movie or something.  It will make me feel as if I am accomplishing something with my time instead of just watching a lot of movies and tv and reading a lot of books.  I have already read 3 in the past 4 days and watched 5 movies..and countless sitcoms on TV.

Sleeping with the Telephone

By Reba McEntire (ft. Faith Hill)

I knew who he was when I took his name
And somehow knowing
its just not the same late at night
He knows the danger
But he does what he does
He calls it duty
But I call it love
So here I am
While he's gone
To some foreign land

And I cry
Cause I'm alone
And the nights get so cold and long
And I try not to think he wont come home
But Im sleeping with the telephone

The yellow ribbon on my neighbor's gate
Always reminds me that someone's awake
Just like me
I hear the sirens
And I watch the news
He laughts and leaves with his hun
And his blue uniform
And I pray God keeps him safe from harm

And i cry
Cause Im all alone
And nights get so cold and long
And I try not to think he wont come home
But Im sleeping with the telephone

I lose him in my darkest dreams

And my blood runs cold
And my heart skips a beat.

So I get up
I cant take anymore

Sometimes I hate how much I love him
But everyday I love him more

And I try not to think he wont come home
But Im sleeping with the telephone

Something awakes me from where he should be
I reach for him...the telephone rings..


We went onto post early this morning for the farewell ceremony.  We stood around and loved on each other for 2 hours...Then his stupid Sgt. said that everyone had 2 minutes to say goodbye to their loved ones and get into formation.  We didnt cry until that was said.  I guess we were in denial that it was really happening...Who knows...but we hugged and kissed and cried then he had to run over for formation.


I walked over and watched with the other families as they did role call.  Ran through procedures, blah blah blah....I was standing their in the rain crying my eyes out...and just watching him so close but being unable to touch him...

Then his Sgt said that they could have 10 more minutes with their families.  He ran over and we hugged and kissed and cried.  Sobbed would be a better word for what happened.  Everytime we looked at each other we started up again...There arent enough kisses and hugs in the world to make up for not having them for a year...I dont know how I am gonna manage.  I can hardly go 10 minutes without kissing him...12 months seems like an eternity.

So he is gone...and I am lonely...and missing him more than I thought possible.  It feels like half my heart has been ripped away.  He is the love of my life.  

Here i sit listening to sappy love songs about seperation and missing someone...I just got a call from him, but it ended too soon!  It will be a while before I get another call.  Can only hope he keeps up with letters as well as I am.. I have already written one.


Deployment NOW

So this is my husband's last day home before his deployment.  How am I supposed to just say goodbye?!  And walk away like its no big deal?  He asks me not to pout and mope around while he is gone, what am I supposed to feel and do in the days after he leaves?  Pretend he is just at  work and will be home soon?  The days arent going to be the hard part.  It will be dinner time and bedtime...times that he is always home for...It will be like waiting all day for him to get home and then the crushing realization that he wont be home and I am going to sleep alone...with his side of the bed empty and unslept in...when god knows where he is and what he is doing...How he is feeling...What thoughts are in his mind...

Its just very hard and frustrating....

The Day You Left

By Jen W.

The day you left,
I thought my heart would be torn in two,
When you said good-bye
I jst didnt know what I was going to do.
Though I tried to understand
I didnt know why it had to be this way
No matter what I said
You just couldn't stay
I knew this day would come,
Though I still keep asking why,
I tried so hard to be strong
But all I could do was cry.
How can you take my heart
To such a faraway land
This isnt what I want,
It's not what I had planned.
Now with a heavy heart,
I somehow manage to live my life
Through all my tears
I'm still proud to be your wife.
Somehow I still manage to smile
In honor of you I show off my pride
But sometimes I get tired of smiling
Because it hurts so much inside.
I long o have you here
And not in a land so far away
Not just in my heart,
But beside me here to stay.
I wait patiently day and night
For your next ccall,
And when I do hang up the phone,
The tears again start to fall.
I dont eat, I dont sleep,
Im sorry but its true,
This is just the way it is,
In my life back home without you.

I Miss You So

By Unknown Author

Though you are not here
Wherever I go or whatever I do
I see your face in my mind
And I miss you so.

I miss telling you everything
I miss showing you things
I miss our eyes secretly giving each other confidence
I miss your touch
I miss our excitment together
I miss everything we share

I dont like missing you
It is a cold and lonely feeling
I wish that I could be with you right now
where the warmth of our love would melt the winter snows

But since I cant be with you right now
I will have to be content just dreamking about when we will be together

Our Life

by Susan Santacroce

"Our life together wil be worth waiting for...
Time is our only obstacle and like all things, it too will pass;
perhaps slowly, but nonetheless,
the day will come when finally
we will have the beautiful life we've planned on.
And then we'll say
that it was surely worth the wait."

Recipe for an Army Wife

1 1/2 cups Patience
1 lb. Adaptability
3/4 cup Tolerance
1 tsp. Courage
A Dash of Adventure
Combine above ingredients:  Add 2 tablespoons elbow grease.  Let sit alone for one year.  Marinate frequently with salty tears.  Pout off excess fat. Sprinkle lightly with money.  "Knead" dough until payday.  Season with international spices.  Bake 20 years or until done...Dedicated...to military wives everywhere, who have waved "good-bye": more often than not, who have heated up more dinners than most wives cook, who have missed more anniversaries,  birthdays, Christmases and Valentine's Days than they should have, and most important of all have welcomed their husbands home GLADLY.

FRG- Finally!!!

I finally found the right website and right links inside the website to get signed up for the online FRG (where they put up info on flights for guys coming home and  meetings while the guys are home and away)...I figure its a good tool that I should definitely use!

I had been invited to join the site before, but then with them switching my hubby's unit I wasnt able to join the old unit FRG and I never did get an "invite" to the new unit's. So I just got on did it myself and now hubby just has to go into his army email and approve me.  Its kinda sad that that is the easiest way to have access.  You would think the head of the FRG would be more on top of things.  Who knows, if its the wife who I think it is, she is VERY pregnant and Im sure there are more things on her mind then who has and doesnt have access to the virtual site.

So that was good for today!

Also, we signed up all our computers with messenger services (AIM, Yahoo, Skype) so that there will be multiple ways for us to get in touch with each other when he leaves.  Right now he is downloading drivers on the home computer so that I can use a webcam when talking to him.  

Today is a great day to just be lazy and do nothing!  Its nasty outside (rain, thunder, etch), so I am content just staying in my jammies and sitting cuddled up on the couch!

I think I am going to go and fold the laundry and then make some hot chocolate, YUMMY!